Mimsy, wait!
Please I can explain! Oh, don't bother.
And I bet you don't even have Tourette's Syndrome!
Poop!
Hell! Damn!
Oh!
Lose my number!
Chef Etienne!
Oh, dear God.
I hope you're happy.
Me?
You're the one who suggested that flaming kabobs
might lend a festive air.
I didn't know Ben Corbett'toupee would go up like that.
Oh, quiet, both of you.
It's done.
Buon giorno!
NILES: Party's over, Dad.
You mean, I'm not the Count anymore?
Afraid not.
Why is it that we can't seem
to pull off a simple dinner party?
Because you always go overboard.
Yes, but this one was bare bones!
Simplicity itself.
One of your goats just threw up in the kitchen.
(goat bleating)
Oh!
NILES: Oh, hello.
How goes the installation?
Well, we had to put in a transformer for the DC,
so after we pull the wires, brace the beam,
she'll be ready to roll.
Ah.
Daphne, Daphne.
You know the Mike Shaw painting
that I'm donating to the museum?
Frasier suggested we throw a farewell dinner party for it.
We've invited some fellow collectors.
Um, Niles, I've been thinking.
Come and sit down, darling.
Maybe it's time
you stopped throwing dinner parties
with your brother.
What?
You don't exactly have the best track record.
Well, throwing dinner parties is an art.
It takes time to perfect.
No.
But...
No.
No, it has to stop.
Maybe you and I should try throwing a party together.
You and me?
It's such a big step.
Are you sure?
Maybe it's time we entertained as a couple.
Oh, thank you, darling.
Excuse me.
It's after 4:00. What if I finish this tomorrow?
Well, I suppose...
Oh, no, you don't.
You said one day when I hired you
and that's what it's going to be.
So get crackin g
'cause something's going to be hanging
from that rafter by the end of the day.
Yes, ma'am.
Daphne, you handled that so masterfully
as if he weren't wearing
that authoritative tool belt at all.
Oh, Niles, Niles. Thank goodness you're here.
I am simply percolating with party ideas.
(sighs)
Listen. Have you thought of inviting
the artist himself?
He lives in town, you know?
Yes, I extended an invitation through his gallery
but he declined.
Oh. That's too bad.
Well, then, I have come up
with the perfect entertainment for our little art crowd.
It's a radical tableau vivant troupe.
I don't know.
But they do provide smocks and shower caps
so we're covered.
Frasier, Daphne and I are throwing the party.
Daphne.
Ah, fine. Suit yourself.
It's your painting.
I suppose I could just whip up my signature dish.
Daphne's handling the food.
Lovely.
So you'll be serving those sad brown chunks
that make their way from plate to napkin
bypassing mouth completely.
It's called "Piccadilly Beef"
and I talked her out of it, thank God.
The whole thing's being catered.
We're having Cornish game hens
wild rice stuffing, wonderful sides
and all heat and serve.
Stuffin'!
Lovely.
I think you'd be happy to be just a guest for once.
Just a guest!
In my brother's home.
I've never been just a guest before.
Before, I always felt like family.
Oh, look, here she is now.
The hostess with the mostest.
I see Niles told you.
Yes. I'm sorry
I won't be attending your debut soiree, Daphne.
I hope that doesn't throw off your seating plan.
It's going to be a buffet.
Buffet!
Well, if you should need any help
you know my phone number.
Number three on our speed dial.
Number three.
Interesting.
I can't believe how calm you are.
I'd be a nervous wreck by now.
Well, I was nervous at first
but every step I thought,
"How would Frasier and Niles do this?"
And didn't do that.
MRS. MOON: Daphne, I'm home!
Coming, Mom!
Where's the video?
I thought you were going to rent Castaway.
If I wanted to watch someone talk to a volleyball
for two hours, I would have stayed in Manchester
with your Aunt Evelyn.
Well, what are you going to do all night?
Oh, you needn't worry about me.
I'm going to watch a boxing match
on pay-per-view.
There's nothing like two, great, sweaty beasts
beating each other senseless.
I miss your father.
Come on, Alice
It's time to put away your crayons.
Lookit.
I wrote my name really big.
see. Oh, let's
There and there and there
and there.
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
Alice!
Oh, Daphne, I'm so sorry
Oh, it's not to worry.
It'll come out.
It's only a little crayon.
That's worse.
I can handle this.
Niles has an art restorer he uses all the time.
I'll get his card.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
I know, honey.
But from now on,
just only sign your own artwork, okay?
'Cause mine is prettier.
Yeah.
Here's his business card.
Okay, I'll run it right over.
Just tell him it's an emergency.
s. We're very good customer
I'm just glad Niles isn't here.
He doesn't take these things in his stride like I do.
There.
Another fire put out.
Oh, my God! The hens.
Oh, my God!
Okay, don't panic.
I can handle this.
Oh, look at that!
Daphne, now what are you going to do?
Well, I can't call the caterer.
They were doing a big party and we were their last stop.
Oh, I know. Call Frasier.
He's got to know some caterers
Well, he was upset that I took over his job
as Lord Mayor of Party Town, but he did offer his help.
I hope he meant it.
Go, take the painting.
Yes. Come on, Alice.
Good luck.
Daphne, you're never going
to get a caterer at this late hour.
But don't worry,
I think I can solve your little problem.
I'll be right there.
As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
Suit up, boys, we're going in.
All right, I need a full rundown of the situation.
Well, I think I told you about the hens Mm-hmm.
which I burned Ooh.
Um, I'm hoping we have enough ice, and...
Mm-hmm.
I probably shouldn't have dressed
the salad this afternoon
Oh.
But I'm pretty sure
the soup is okay.
(sniffing)
White wine.
What do you think? Will we make it?
I feel so stupid. I made a big deal about telling Niles
how I could handle this on my own.
All right, all right, listen.
He doesn't have to know.
If you just keep him out of my way,
I will gladly play your invisible little kitchen elf
You would do that for me?
Oh, of course, Daphne!
Now, listen, I've brought everything I need
to make my signature pomegranate-honey sauce, all right?
I will need a ramekin for each of your guests.
Here we are.
Oh, dear, this is bad.
What?
Well, there are two that are mismatched.
It's all right if they're all mismatched
or... or even in pairs, but two?
It's just unheard of.
NILES: Daphne?
Oh, my God, it's Niles.
What should we do?
Don't worry. I'm right in here.
Ah, sorry I'm late.
You look beautiful. Darling.
I had the worst time finding miniature easels for the table.
Oh, but it was worth it.
I think so.
The place looks lovely,
and the new chandelier is absolutely spectacular.
But why is the painting covered?
Well, because I thought
a proper unveiling would be an event.
We'll do it after dinner.
Oh, oh, why don't we do it after cocktails?
It'll make for lively dinner conversation.
Trust me, after will be better
And by the way, the kitchen is off-limits to you.
You've already slowed me down
(doorbell rings )
Well, someone's tediously punctual. Shall we?
I'll be right out.
Okay.
You know, if he had any resourcefulness at all
he would know that tiny easels abound
at Lilliputiana Dollhouse and Miniatures.
Dad... right.
Listen, I need you to do me a favor.
I want you to get me my ramekins, all right,
and then bring them here,
but come in the back way, so Niles doesn't see you
No, ramekins.
Well, they're small, round, ceramic dishes.
I keep them in the lower left-hand kitchen cabinet.
All right, no, no, no, those are tapas dishes.
Right, those are for soy sauce.
Oh, honestly, Dad, you know
sometimes I think you listen to me.
I-I said sometimes I don't think you...
No, I said sometimes I-- I see what you're doing.
Are we the first to arrive?
Oh, you are refreshingly on time.
How about some drinks?
Don't mind me.
I'm just down to nick a bottle of the good stuff.
They normally hide it from me.
This is my mother, Gertrude Moon.
Yes, Antonia and Alex.
Hello. Pleasure to meet you.
Oh, Mum, as long as you're going upstairs, take the coats.
Yes. Is this the Mike Shaw painting?
I'm dying to see it.
Oh, oh, sorry. No peeking.
You'll have to wait until the unveiling.
That sounds like a challenge.
You're going to have to watch me like a hawk.
Won't that be fun?
(loud clatter)
What was that?
Don't worry, Niles, that's my domain.
All right. Why don't you take
our guest on a tour of the library?
Oh, all right. This way, this way.
Is it true you still collect Edwardian utility bills?
Oh, yes. They're fascinating.
For example, did you know that
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a notorious water hog?
But you don't have to take my word for it.
Frasier!
I dropped a pan; everything's all right.
MRS. MOON: Daphne!
For God's sakes, all right!
I'm having trouble ordering the boxing match.
I don't understand.
This never happens with the nudie programming.
Give it here.
(doorbell rings) Oh, damn.
You answer that, I'll take care of this.
You can come out now.
Honestly, Daphne, if these interruptions don't stop,
my signature sauce will be reduced to a monogram.
(chuckling)
I'm using humor to make a point, hmm?
Hello. I'm Daphe's Mum.
I'm Bill... Don't bother.
I'm just letting you in.
Hi. Is this the Crane place?
I'm Mike Shaw.
Mr. Shaw, we thought we were just going to see your painting.
We didn't realize you were coming.
That was a last-minute thing.
Uh, call me Mike.
Mike.
Hello.
I'm Gertrude.
rino I'm Bill Talla
and this is my wife, Sharon Kwiatkowski-Tallarino.
May I just say that
you are our greatest living American artist, bar none.
Barnone.
(cell phone rings) Excuse me.
Is there anything worse than making phony conversation
with phony art lovers?
Yes. Living with one.
My son-in-law is the host.
And if you didn't want your bu kissed, you shouldn't have come.
That's all they do here.
I wasn't going to come, but my gallery insisted.
Oh, well, I am going to go upstairs watching a boxing match
should you feel the need to get away.
Well, I probably shouldn't but maybe just the first round.
All right, then.
You wouldn't have anything to drink up there, would you?
Just liquor.
So, it actually took George Bernard Shaw longer
to rectify his billing error
than it did for him to writeMan and Superman
That's Great. Are those the drinks?
Yes. (doorbell rings)
Oh, excuse me.
Bill and Sharon.
Thad and Jeremy, welcome.
Niles! Niles.
Hey. Hi!
Where's your better half?
NILES: Oh, ah, here she is now.
Oh, I meant Frasier.
My brother's not coming this evening.
But he's always, always, always at your parties:
Frasier and yellowtail carpaccio.
Has the world gone mad?
Not yet. We still have carpaccio. (chuckles)
You've got two choices.
You can walk either walk away from the painting,
or you can limp away from the painting.
Walk.
Mother, coats.
Yes, Master.
Niles, we are so sorry, we have to go; we have a baby-sitter.
No, that's terrible.
The worst part is, we're going to miss dinner with Mike Shaw.
I can't believe you got that old hermit to come.
Mike, Mike Shaw is here? What?!
Where is he? He must have wandered off.
He's not at all like I pictured him--
older guy, white hair, cane.
I think he's wearing a plaid flannel shirt.
He's quite a character.
Really?
(all talking at once)
Here you go.
Oh, Dad, finally.
If you had said nut bowls,
I would have gotten them right off.
Yes, yes, all right. Now, listen.
I need you to run to the grocery store for me
and pick up somesel de mer, some olive tapenade,
balsamic vinegar and some English Stilton cheese.
Have you got that?
You lost me after Sally's mare.
All right, fine.
I'll write it down
NILES: Coming right up.
DAPHNE: Niles, no.
Oh, Dad, hide in there!
Oh, Dad! Oh, I thought so.
What are you doing here?
I just brought some dishes over.
Wh...?
You're not supposed to be in the kitchen, honey.
I don't know what happened
and I don't want to know how it happened
but somehow, our guests are all
under the impression that Dad is Mike Shaw.
Who?
He's the artist-- the painter of the painting
that everyone is here to see
What are we going to do?
It's not a problem.
We'll take your father out the back door
and make up an excuse.
Better yet, we'll take him out the front door.
That way, people can see him leave.
Uh, okay.
You know zero about art; don't say a word
or these people will see right through you.
Yeah, I'm sure a phony will really stand out at this party.
Oh, this must be Mr. Shaw.
NILES: I have very bad news.
Mr. Shaw is not feeling well,
so he has to leave.
Oh, oh, I can't...
I can't let you go without getting your autograph.
And if you could draw something on it.
Well, actually I do a pretty good rocket.
No, no, Antonia, Mr. Shaw's not giving away art.
Just write Mike Shaw.
Now, isn't that nice.
Okay, and there you go. That's for you.
Come along, come along.
Please, just say a few words about
The Dry Wit of the Sandwich Maker.
Who wants another tour? Oh, I do.
Get out.
Niles, why don't we show them the secret passageway.
Oh, what a good idea.
(doorbell ringing)
I'll catch up with you.
Don't let them in the panic room.
Oh, hello.
I'd almost given up on you.
Oh, it's lovely.
Thanks.
And if you don't mind,
I find it's best to get paid
while there's still evidence.
Yes, of course, of course.
I'll tell you what, if you'll just wheel it
over there by the dining rotunda
I'll be right with you.
The coast is clear.
Come on, let's get a bottle of champagne
and go back up.
Hey, you're Mike Shaw.
I studied you in art school.
You're a major influence
That's very flattering.
Now, shall we get back upstairs for round three?
Uh, she's talking about the fight.
Of course, the night's still young.
And here... and that... and here you go...
and... thank you.
No, no, thank you.
I just met one of my heroes-- Mike Shaw.
Oh, yes, in the hall?
No, right here.
Don't tell me--
white hair, cane, plaid shirt, character.
I forgot the list.
NILES: Mr. Shaw.
Oh, for God's sake
Dad, you're not supposed to be here.
Niles, you're not supposed to be here.
And what's in here?
Oh, Mr. Shaw, you came back.
I, uh... felt better.
Then you must talk to us about your work.
We're collectors, you know.
Oh, but this is a party.
I, uh... I...
art all the time.
MAN: Come on.
Let's get you another drink.
Fun party.
It's nice to see you step out
of Frasier's shadow.
I think he might have been holding you back.
Okay, I have to get out there
before Dad says something stupid.
Let's get these hens browning
so we can eat as soon as possible...
Mm...
that's Frasier's signature sauce.
Except it's so much better.
I think you should send him the recipe.
I'm holding him back.
Your sauce is better than mine.
Honestly, I don't even know why I try.
I stand here slaving over a hot stove, and for what?
Does anybody appreciate me?
No.
Are you getting close, Mr. Slovadkin?
These things take time, Miss.
Who do you think I am,
that mouse in the cartoons that goes fast?
What's his name?
Speedy Gonzalez.
No.
The little mouse, with a big hat
and he goes very fast.
That's Speedy Gonzalez.
No. The mouse...
(phone ringing)
This is going to drive me crazy.
Hello.
I have no idea.
Can't you just stall dinner for a little while?
All right, don't yell.
My friend wants to talk to you, Mr. Slovadkin.
Oh, it's very small.
Hello.
. I'm going as fast as I can
I'm not that little mouse that goes zip all around.
What's his name?
No. That's what she said
He's a mouse.
What impresses me the most
is the way you reinvent identity
while recording anonymity.
Well, that took years to get down.
Sure, sure.
Come on, tell us,
what do you think of Warhol?
Crap.
Kienholz?
Crap.
It is so refreshing
to have someone speak so candidly.
And you have to believe me 'cause I'm a fancy-ass artist.
(laughing)
MAN: Oh, hey, I know--
why don't you take us through the house
and tell us what you think of Niles's art.
Oh, yes, please.
Sure.
I've been waiting to do that
for a long time.
You can't brown the hens yet.
If we wait any longer, their skins will wrinkle
and my sauce will separate.
Is that what you want?
I...
Is that what you want?!
NILES: Daphne.
Damn it.
You're not supposed to be in here!
I'm sorry.
Dad's run amok.
Why aren't the hens browning?
Because they're not ready yet.
But they look ready.
Yes, well, they're not.
Then we'll just serve them as is.
You can't, they're not browned.
. We're going to
I'm going to get a platter.
Don't open that door.
Stop that.
I already saw him.
What are you doing here?
I am saving your party,
that's what I'm doing.
Niles...
You don't have to explain.
Frasier's presence here
is clearly why this party's gone awry.
Oh, really?
Well, if that's what you think,
then I will gladly take my signature sauce and go.
Your signature sauce?
And that reminds me,
you won't be needing to use my poultry shears.
No, no, no, you can't.
It's already here.
This is mine.
No, it-it's on my property.
Oh, stop it! Stop it, both of you!
Fine!
(all gasping)
What have you done?!
I'm not sorry.
You've been asking for this for years.
No, it's not what you think.
See, yummy.
(gasping)
No, no, it's sauce.
We just had a little kitchen mishap.
We'll just get this cleaned up.
Wipe yourself off with this.
Thanks, Dad.
That is no Mike Shaw.
What happened to my painting?
Did you know about this, Mike?
I may have.
Oh, give it up, Martin.
This isn't Mike Shaw.
. It's Niles's father
What are you trying to pull, Crane?
This is uncomfortable.
We should go.
DAPHNE: No, no, no, please, listen to me. Listen.
Yes, there's been some deception
and things got out of hand,
but no real harm has been done.
I've made some mistakes.
People make mistakes.
But that's no reason to abandon them.
This night can still be a success.
We've got the food, and you're all here,
and when I tell you about what happened,
we'll all have a good laugh about it.
So, please, everybody stay?
(all agreeing)
Oh, thank you.
Well done, Daphne.
(loud creaking)
(creaking continues)
Hello.
All right, get your coats.
Daphne...
congratulations.
You're now officially a Crane.
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪♪
♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪
Mercy.
♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪
Thank you!